Writtenwyrdd

My highly appropriate coffee mug

Madre tells me it's my own fault that the pups insist on 3am potty breaks. I have spoiled them, and they want their morning cuddle/snooze with me. However, I maintain that if they would actually go to the bathroom before bed it might mean they slept until 4:30, which is when the alarm is set. Le sigh...

The writer's life

A couple of days ago, Sylvia commented with an hilarious link where cats quoted Charlie Sheen.  I found a great post by the author, Francesco Marciuliano (author of the Sally Forth strip), on the writer's life.  He's talking about writing comic strips, but I think it could easily apply to us all. 

The only flaw?  He omits mention of coffee!

Which brings me to the topic:  What do you do that makes you live a "writer's life"? 

A professor I had in college (where I took in all but name a creative writing minor) stated once that you are only a writer when you are writing.  I submit that in a certain sense that is true...but what is the life of a writer, and what does that writer do in between spates of writing?  Isn't it logical that life fills the void between the moments when you are writing? 

Because, if we feel we are writers, want to be writers, or are already paid professionals in the field in some manner, there should be some distinctive flair or habit or prevalent whatever, right?  (Okay, play along with me here anyhow.)  If we have something that defines us as writers besides the actual production of prose, what is the life that we are leading that makes us distinctively living the "writer's life"?  Is there a stereotypical writer's life that doesn't borrow from Hemingway and a fifth of bourbon or involve gay Paris and beret-wearing mimes smoking unfiltered Turkish cigarettes and drinking coffee in a bistro or absinthe at the cabaret?

Play with the idea a bit and look at your own life.  Where do you show your writerly nature to the world?  In your decor, choice of abode, your hobbies, your haunts, your friends?  Seriously, look at your life and what you've built around yourself and see how those things in your life reflect your writing habit/career.  It could be little superstitious rituals.  Purchasing habits.  Hobbies.  How you describe yourself to others.  What I'm really asking you to do is to look at the activities that are not related to actual writing or the settling in to write but which you feel define you as a writer.

For myself, I have a thing for goofy tee shirts.  A lot of my shirts have amusing comments about being a writer, and it makes me feel like a writer because the shirt says so.  It's a form of label, marking me to the world...or at least marking me to me! 

And I surround myself with office supplies.  Blank post its, reams of paper, bound books, art paper--you name it, I likely have some of it lurking, forgotten, in the office area.  For some reason, I feel like the creative potential in a blank page is incredibly powerful for me. 

Then there's my leisure time.  I am unable to actually do this because my location and job (the Job That Ate My Life) prevents it.  But, given the opportunity, I'd hang out in bistros or organic coffee shops; I used to do that in San Francisco, and I wish I could do so all the time. I also used to dress rather Bohemian, which made me feel all hip and cool and stuff.  Though, just shy of 50 now, it's not exactly a look or trend that would win points any longer, so, like the coffee shop hanging out in, it's all a wish, not an actual thing I can or will do.  But that still defines me to myself.

So...what is it you do that makes you feel like a writer in the mundane existence outside of actually penning the Great American Novel?

Molly the kitty has hairy toes...

You ever notice how some of the cutest things in the universe are really strange when you put them into perspective?  Molly is about 2 now, and she's got her winter coat in.  As a Maine Coon Cat, she is rather like a plushy toy.  Not to mention she's got lots of fur grown out between her toes.  It sticks out a half inch and it's black, unlike the dun tabby that's the rest of her.  It's Uh-Dor-Uh-Bulls*.  And yet it's really a strange thing to find abso-freaking-lutely cute.  But there you have it. 

Along the same lines, I give to you Death by Puppy. 

*I also like to blow raspberries in her belleh, which she endures with good humor.  Mikey runs away when I make kissy noises.  He's my milquetoast 22 pound cat.

Seriously?

Click on the image to enlarge it and be sure to read the whole sign.  (From a humorous--and possibly 'shopped-- email.)

EE on a roll.

"Killing people without payment is generally frowned upon as unprofessional,[That's why you never see the term "professional serial killer."]"  Evil Editor's blog

Evil Editor was on a roll yesterday.

And you should also see this.  (Make SURE you set down your coffee first.)

Aaaarh! It's Talk Like A Pirate Day!!

 Happy day to yer, mateys!  Enjoy yerselves with grog and swill abounding. 

Check out the official home page for International Talk Like A Pirate Day here.  Now, bow your heads and pray in thanks to Cap'n Slappy and Ol' Chumbucket

And, from the ITLPD official FAQ page:

Thar be only three pirate jokes in the world. The biggest one is the one that ends with someone usin' "Arrr" in the punchline. Oh, sure, thar be plenty o' these, but they're all the same damn joke.

"What's the pirate movie rated? - Arrr!"
"What kind o' socks does a pirate wear? - Arrrrgyle!"
"What's the problem with the way a pirate speaks? - Arrrrticulation!"

...and so forth.

The second joke is the one wear the pirate walks into the bar with a ships wheel attached to the front o' his trousers. The bartender asks, "What the hell is that ships wheel for?" The pirate says, "I don't know, but it's drivin' me nuts!"

And finally. A little boy is trick or treatin' on Halloween by himself. He is dressed as a pirate. At one house, a friendly man asks him, "Where are your buccaneers?" The little boy responds, "On either side o' me 'buccan' head!"

And there ye have it. A symposium on pirate humor that'll last ye a lifetime - so long as life is violent and short.

(And now, back to our regularly scheduled English.)

OMG, LOL and pee your pants!

Funny stuff.

Haaaaalp!!!

In a spec fic woorld, these guys are torture victims.

Moff's Law

Just ran across this new rule for comments on posts.  Thanks to Racialicious poster Latoya Peterson (dated December 21st, 2009)

And we shall call this “Moff’s Law”

In the comments to Annalee Newitz excellent io9 post on racial fantasies in Avatar (and other works of sci-fi), Moff, another io9 contributor created one of the best rants I have ever read on the nature of critique:

Of all the varieties of irritating comment out there, the absolute most annoying has to be “Why can’t you just watch the movie for what it is??? Why can’t you just enjoy it? Why do you have to analyze it???”

If you have posted such a comment, or if you are about to post such a comment, here or anywhere else, let me just advise you: Shut up. Shut the fuck up. Shut your goddamn fucking mouth. SHUT. UP.

First of all, when we analyze art, when we look for deeper meaning in it, we are enjoying it for what it is. Because that is one of the things about art, be it highbrow, lowbrow, mainstream, or avant-garde: Some sort of thought went into its making — even if the thought was, “I’m going to do this as thoughtlessly as possible”! — and as a result, some sort of thought can be gotten from its reception. That is why, among other things, artists (including, for instance, James Cameron) really like to talk about their work.

Now, that doesn’t mean you have to think about a work of art. I don’t know anyone who thinks every work they encounter ought to only be enjoyed through conscious, active analysis — or if I do, they’re pretty annoying themselves. And I know many people who prefer not to think about much of what they consume, and with them I have no argument. I also have no argument with people who disagree with another person’s thoughts about a work of art. That should go without saying. Finally, this should also go without saying, but since it apparently doesn’t: Believe me, the person who is annoying you so much by thinking about the art? They have already considered your revolutionary “just enjoy it” strategy, because it is not actually revolutionary at all. It is the default state for most of humanity.

So when you go out of your way to suggest that people should be thinking less — that not using one’s capacity for reason is an admirable position to take, and one that should be actively advocated — you are not saying anything particularly intelligent. And unless you live on a parallel version of Earth where too many people are thinking too deeply and critically about the world around them and what’s going on in their own heads, you’re not helping anything; on the contrary, you’re acting as an advocate for entropy.

And most annoyingly of all, you’re contributing to the fucking conversation yourselves when you make your stupid, stupid comments. You are basically saying, “I think people shouldn’t think so much and share their thoughts, that’s my thought that I have to share.” If you really think people should just enjoy the movie without thinking about it, then why the fuck did you (1) click on the post in the first place, and (2) bother to leave a comment? If it bugs you so much, GO WATCH A GODDAMN FUNNY CAT VIDEO.

I love it.  May it go viral if it hasn't already.  Because what I take from it is this:  If people want to analyze something, let them.  Let them go crazy with it.  Let them do their thing, and shut up about it if you don't like it.  Now, I'm not that big on analysis of writing or film, but if I want to, why should you give a crap?  Mott's Law: shut up and let them rant/analyse.

Cool site: Workforced

A bit ascerbic and at times even harsh, Workforced is a blog that has a lot of truth behind the whip-crack of its office-themed humor.  If you like Dilbert but want more of an edge, go check it out here.  If I'm feeling mean because Management has been being jerkwads, this site makes me feel vindicated. 

Amusingly steampunkishly splendiferous video

Check out the entangled steampunk spoofery in this amusing video, "Morgan and Destiny’s Eleventeenth Date - The Zeppelin Zoo."

Additionally, I have received a couple more entries into the contest.  Looks like there will be 3 prizes on offer after all!  Yahoo!  The entries will be up Wednesday morning for you all.  Voting will still close on Sunday, August 29th, so have all your pals and relatives stop by to vote when the post goes up. 

Here's something everyone wants...

...but not everyone needs.  Have a great day everybody.  And you can thank my best bud, Mary Colleen, for the humor.

Someone apparently needs her mouth washed out...

Want to rate your blog content? Or find out how you would taste like to cannibals?  Or take a number of strange quizzes?  Go here, the picture won't link.

The thing that drove me to coveted NC-17 status is, apparently, 5 recent usages of the word 'cock.'  But I was talking about firearms!  Honest! *ducks head in shame while winking surreptitiously.*

Evil Editor talks conjunctions

I don't comment often on Evil Editor these days, but he's as funny as ever.  Read this query commentary if you really want a laugh (and to learn something about grammar.)

Twilight: Eclipse as done by LOLcats.

http://www.popsuede.com/2010/07/twilight-saga-eclipse-with-cats.html

To The Straight Guy At The Party Last Night

Oh, this is a wonderful response.  Check it out at Truth Wins Out.  Link courtesy of Angie.

NSFW - tortise and the...shoe?

Seriously, NOT safe for work.  A hilarious video of a turtle and his new paramour, a shoe.  Crocs, to be specific. Thanks to Betsy Dornbusch (sex scenes at starbucks) for the mention. 

Cool site: Ridiculous Poses

Doing my blog reading and came across Mynfel's post citing Ridiculous Poses.  Hi-larious and weird.  You can go there to practice your doggie head tilt. 

You should also check out Mynfel's post on this for totally 'redonkulous' pictures of the 'manicorn.'

May is Zombie Awareness Month

Thanks to Laughingwolf for the heads-up on this one!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

zombie awareness month...

 

ZOMBIE RESEARCH SOCIETY®

zombieresearch.org/

ZOMBIE AWARENESS MONTH (TM)

May is Zombie Awareness Month.

 

Many films important to the evolution of the modern zombie are set in the month of May, from the original Night of the Living Dead, 1968, to the well received Dawn of The Dead remake of 2004.

Also, because Spring naturally brings with it a sense of renewal and hopefulness, May is the perfect month to emphasize continued vigilance in the face of the coming zombie pandemic.

Gray Ribbon

Supporters of Zombie Awareness Month wear a gray ribbon to signify the undead shadows that lurk behind our modern light of day.  From 01 May through 31 May, concerned citizens take this small step to acknowledge the coming danger.

Order your Zombie Awareness Month gray ribbon button HERE! 

Why Not October?

Despite common misconceptions, zombies - and the threat they represent - are not connected with the late October pagan tradition of Halloween.

Witches, gouls, vampires, all Halloween staples, are otherworldly creatures of old, [filling us] with mysticism and superstion.

Zombies, on the other hand, are biological entities, previously made of flesh and blood, and functioning under the same laws of science and reason all worldly beings must.

Home

Zombie Awareness Month

Membership

Merchandise

Local Chapters

Outbreak Map

Official Blog

Advisory Board

ZRS Awards

Contact Us

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p4k5XftdTMs

Belated Tax Day Humor

I missed this one until today.  Lifted with thanks from the Behler Blog, I give you, a Tax Form For the Marginally Employed. 

In other news, my life is going well.  Nice, sunny days help a lot to lift the mood, and Madre and I have been going for a lot of walks in the evening.  It's been sunny and above freezing after about 9 in the morning.  And, as they say up here, you don't have to shovel sunshine.  We like early Spring.  Normally it's about four weeks from now that you might see green grass, but we're ready to mow the lawns this week some time in the sunnier spots.  Wowza.  That's an early, early spring.  Of course, I don't think it counts until the lilacs bloom...and they are only in big, fat buds at the moment. Normally, they bloom in mid-June or thereabouts. 

And my gall bladder surgery recovery is going relatively well.  I still keep getting some side effects that are symptoms just like or worse than the pre-surgical symptoms; but am fairly sure they are improving and should go away after a bit. 

Nun grading papers

I'm feeling blah, tired, lacking in enthusiasm, so instead of coming up with something that requires actual thought, I give you...Nun grading papers jokes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.  CAN YOU IMAGINE THE NUN SITTING AT HER DESK GRADING THESE PAPERS?

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES..

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD, WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20.. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21.. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY, WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

Senior Moment

Doubleclick to enlarge this so you can read it.  Hilarious.  From an email, source unknown.

Revisiting another wonderful resource

via Overheard in New York, Jan 26, 2010

Guy #1: Wow, they indicted five cops in that beating last year in Shenandoah.
Guy #2: Yeah, it was a hate crime.
Guy #1: The victim was gay?
Guy #2: No, dude, he was Mexican.
Guy #1: What? Since when is it a crime to be Mexican?
Guy #2, after pause: Everyone on this train thinks you are a fucking idiot, and I agree with them.

Ah, yes, Overheard In New York, a blog that provides both humor and ideas for ridiculous, too-bizarre-to-work-in-a-novel dialog.  Still, I like to call it idea fodder when I peruse.

Sleep Talkin' Man blog

Just learned about a seriously funny blog called Sleep Talkin' Man.  Apparently the husband (Adam) talks in his sleep a lot.  And he's so darned funny with his non sequitirs and strange dream logic, his wife (karen) started recording him and posting them on her blog.  And it went viral.  They have now been on the Today show, and there will likely be more such appearances.

Check it out.  You will waste endless amounts of time, but you will enjoy yourself thoroughly.

(And you can buy tee shirts.  I will have to buy some of those tee shirts.  I love tees that make people do a doggie head tilt.  And my old ones are so large on me the shoulder seams are halfway to my elbows (I'm not kidding) so I have an excuse!

The larval stages of the common American speculative fiction writer.
Linked from John Scalzi's blog, the article is here:

http://www.jlake.com/2010/01/21/process-the-larval-stages-of-the-common-american-speculative-fiction-writer/comment-page-1/#comment-8487

Very funny...and unfortunately pretty on the mark!

Helpful ways to avoid being published

Gremlin over at Electric Spec blog thoughtfully shared ways and means to prevent your story becoming published.  Article here.

It's Christmas Eve, so I thought you might need to de-stress a little

So go here and have a laugh at Santa's expense.  And have a Merry Christmas. 

Last minute Christmas shopping?

Have I got the deal for you!  Check this out:  A Spa-to-go, an inflatable spa!  Just what your loved ones always wanted, right?  

And they'll forgive you for being late with it, as it's so incredibly nifty. Sure.  Right.

Have a very nerdy Christmas

I give to you the Brett Domino Trio!

You really should check out some of their YouTube videos.  I first heard about them via John Scalzi's blog some while back.  And there's a rather interesting charm to Brett Domino.  After watching several of his videos, I begin to think he's milking the nerdiness, just a little...  But I still love their stuff in all its geeky splendor.

Best. Travel info. Evahr.

Every Australian I've ever met has had a wicked sense of humor.  I think this Q&A list is proof, as it's (purportedly) from an Australian Tourism web site and is (again, purportedly) actual answers to actual questions sent in by prospective visitors. (From a humorous email.)

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
A:Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________
Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________
Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )
A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe ...
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
__________________________________________________
Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is
Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________
Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________
Q:Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.  All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
__________________________________________________
Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA )
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.  You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________
Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________
Q:Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? (France ) 
A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

By the way, if you are an American traveling abroad, you can register your trip with the Dept. of State.  At least then someone will know where you were supposed to be if you ever go missing or run into trouble (due to some untoward 'accident of fate' or 'being in the wrong place at the wrong time.'  Yeah.  But your country loves ya.  Really.)

Holiday...cheering?

"Why...is the phrase "Happy holidays" so insufferable to Christian fundamentalists, but not the vulgar, surfeiting exploitation of Christ's name to sell smokeless ashtrays, dessert toppings, Droid phones and trampolines? I'm not a theologian but I think the Gospels are pretty clear that Jesus was no fan of merchants."  LA Times article

The quoted article cracked me up.  Apparently, a faith-based group slammed The Gap for not using the word Christmas in its ad.  But they do!  Have you seen that "Christmas cheer" ad yet?  I snickered when I heard it the other day, and wondered what was up with that because the ad came across to me as a bird flip to someone or thing, but I had no idea what or why...  Here's the link to the ad.

"Go Christmas, go Hanukkah, go Kwanzaa, go solstice," chant dancers in a Gap ad, released days after the American Family Assn. called for a boycott over Gap's "failure to use the word 'Christmas.' " (Gap)

Thanks to Heather over at the I'm Not Hannah blog for the mention.

The Goat Nerd

I particularly love this one.  In fact, I want the tee shirt!

From Cute Overload:

Cool Site: how to write badly well

How to write badly well.  Found this one via a blog link (sorry, forget who) and I also find it hilarious.  The author, Joel Stickley, has some hilarious yet pointed means to do just what the blog's title suggests.  To whit:

1. Always use a thesaurus; 
2. Write thinly-veiled, self-aggrandising autobiographical fiction;
3. Describe every character in minute detail, taking no account of narrative pacing;
4. Use as many adjectives as you can;
5. Change sentence structure for the benefit of your rhyme scheme;
6. Create subplots which bear no relation to the main story; and
7. Begin yoru novel with the protagonist getting out fo bed and seeing that it is raining outside, which perfectly mirrors his life.

Good times, my friends.  I remember those writing sessions well.  In fact, I was just going through some of that old crap stuff this past weekend while organizing my office. 

Musical Monday wink and nod.

I could watch this again, and again, and again.  And I have. 

Cute Overload provides again.

(We're going to call this Musical Monday, because there IS a toot involved.)

If you can't ignore your Inner Critic, make fun of her!

An hilarious post on your inner editor at This Itch Of Writing blog by author Emma Darwin.  The author discusses how your inner critic's most obvious ploys (you suck! etc.) can be easily seen and thus ignored...but the Inner Critic plays dress up and stalks you with some pretty clever disguises...  Some of my favorites:

Inner Editor: “You don't know how this new bit should go, better to fiddle with Chapter One till you do.”
Inner Writing Tutor: “There's no point in moving on till you've got the first bit right.”
Inner Mentor: “No, you absolutely must finish this and revise it to the last inch: it's your Inner Critic who's insisting that the new idea is more promising.”
Inner Nosey Neighbour: “I don't know how you can write with the bathroom/kitchen/front lawn looking like that.” 
Inner Trainer: “Writer's bum, writer's bum, writer's bum.”
Inner Spouse: “I'm paying most of the bills, the least you can do is iron my shirts.”
Inner Sex God/dess: “Saying 'no' because you're finishing a chapter is the thin end of the wedge.”
Inner Counsellor: “Your husband/best friend/barmaid will be hurt if you don't go down to the pub.” 
Inner Agent: “It's awfully like the last one of yours/McEwan's/Keyes's”
Inner Reviewer: “Who cares about vulgar commercial fiction?”
Inner Supermarket: “Who reads poncey literary fiction?”
Inner Publisher: “Crossover fiction doesn't sell.”
Inner Literary Critic: “You can't be original: it's all been done before. And better.”

 

Schnozzle

Cute Overload strikes again.  This ought to be a postcard so I can send it to all of my friends and makethem smile:

Funny commercial

Funniest ad I've seen in a while.  KGB is a service you can text (for $.99 per call) and get answers to questions.  This seems to be filling the void for those needing instant gratification (or to win a bet) and who have no internet access at that moment.  Anyhow, check it out here.  It's short and laugh out loud funny.

'Ware Chthulu!

Thought you  might want to be aware of these Public Service Announcements (PSAs).  Keeping kids safe is something we all need to get behind, after all. 

I borrowed the PSA from the first linked site. 

Mmmm...tastes like bacon!

In closing, the only silver lining to this dark dark cloud is I have figured out why so many dogs lick their own assholes. They are trying to kill the taste of Beggin' Strips. (By the way, it doesn't work.)  from Steve, Don't Eat It! on The Sneeze blog

Brought to you by Pacatrue, whose recent post about trying everything in the grocery store and reporting on it got a reference link to the above.  (Seriously, Paca, I'm waiting for you to try everything and come up with an alternative use.  Think of it as preemptive post-doc research because you're bound to come up with some new 'linguistics' to describe the results!)

Don't tell me that won't work. I'm a director, damn it!

Thought I'd offer you a bit of amusement and insight this morning.  John Scalzi's weekly post at amctv.com's SciFi Scanner is about the epic fails of Star Wars design. 

Awesome cartoons!

Cute Overload features Simon Tofield's cat cartoons today, and there's a new one.  it's the one on top.  If you have ever experienced cohabitation with a feline type person, you will get this one.  Very funny!  (And I particularly love the 'chatter' when the cat sees the prey.)

"Never Buy Radiators From Genies"

I love that line! Now, as to where I heard it, you should check out a cool site, Suvudu, where you can both download free ebooks and read a number of interesting articles, including this one by Alan Campbell, where he discusses some of his personal slush, false starts and just bad ideas. I've had a couple of experiences like he describes where you open a file to see what you were thinking (because you don't recall writing that file at all) and seeing something that baffles you. Hence the post title.

But the free booty is a draw if you like free ebooks.  I prefer paying too much for old copies of the actual paperbacks, myself.  Nothing beats a book in hand...except two books.  Or five.  Or just more than you had before.  (Can you tell I like books?)

Awkwardness--another visual aid

They do say a picture is worth a thousand words.  Does this inspire you at all?  This moment of abject terror brought to you by Awkward Family Photos, a site that has many pictures that might inspire you with an idea, a scene, or give you something in the nature of a laugh.

Revisions...and foil helmets

 Seems revision thoughts are being telepathically beamed into our brains lately.  Not only did Nathan Bransford have a great post with a great checklist for revisions yesterday, but Blood Red Pencil's guest blogger, Alexandra Sokoloff, has a few relevant thoughts on that subject as well.  I particularly like the list of the various Acts and their components.  Might be useful for structuring a novel, hint hint...except when it isn't.

However, don't just go rushing off to edit, kids.  Don thy foil helmets* and pause to consider your own process instead of following some mythical Pied Piper off into the mythical land of million dollar advances and New York Times best seller lists.

And by that I mean, consider your own writing style and what you have learned about the craft of writing-- and keep weaving your own process in with these editing rules.  You have a style and voice (or are developing one) and you presumably have internalized much of the basics about writing.  So you are at the point where you are bending rules, or maybe experimenting a bit with structure.  If you follow the list Ms. Sokoloff provides for structuring your story, it might not work to tell the story you envision.  Not that I'm saying chuck these rules/suggestions out the window.  Not all of us can be a James Joyce who writes idiosyncratic books like Ulysses without punctuation for massive sections (and all the other wackiness that frankly makes me find the book unreadable) and still be called a brilliant writer; and not many of us would want to write that sort of book.  But we can all be ourselves while we communicate our stories to others. 

So amidst all the lists of things to think about, and Rules that Must Be Obeyed (unless they aren't), don't forget to be yourself.  It's what will sell your novel in the end, you know.

 

*See, this guy is a free thinker. And a fashion plate. (Picture from Wikipedia)

Gaily prancing...zebracorns!!!

Courtesy of Jaye Wells' response in this League of Reluctant Adults post (these guys are silly and a Cool Site to follow, in case I haven't mentioned them lately) I bring you a fond or not-so-fond memory of Times Gone By. And the funniest damn review on Amazon I've seen lately. Prancing. *Snort* (Pun intended.) HINT:  Look at the second review down.

Holy Zebracorns, Batman!

PS just got the edits for my story.  Amazing how much was left intact.  I have to adjust the beginning now, though.

Visual aids again...or not!

Perhaps you recall my caption contest from a while back?  You don't?  Well here's a visual aid:

And I bring this ass-inine topic up not to once again prove my tacky tasteless sense of humor, but as an introduction to a whole line up of tattoo disasters at my new favorite time waster, Tattoo Disasters!  (Thank goodness it's not that long yet.)

The apostrophe

After finding the blog Apostrophe Abuse, I am (forcibly) reminded about how frequently one sees misplaced or omitted apostrophes--particularly signage, but all over the place, really.

You might also appreciate this run-down on the usage of apostrophes at Ballywick, another cool site regarding copywriting.  Her 12-step program to stop killing the apostrophe is worth a chuckle.

The rules.
U.S. rules for apostrophe use are quite simple, really.  I don't get why people have so much trouble with the concept.  Basically, you use an apostrophe to replace a missing part of a word (always a vowel) during a contraction, or you indicate ownership.  (And, as a note of minor significance, an apostrophe can also indicate a 'glottal stop' in certain languages when written in English--for example, Hawaiian.  And in many, many (too many) fantasy novels from the 80s and 90s, lol.)

OWL at Purdue states

The apostrophe has three uses:

1. to form possessives of nouns
2. to show the omission of letters
3. to indicate certain plurals of lowercase letters

Contractions.  An excellent list is here.  Just be sure to remember the big ol' bugaboo, the exception that proves the rule:  its.  The possessive of "it" is "its," no apostrophe; because "it's" is the contraction "it is."

Possession.
First off, what is a plural?  And, second, do you need to pluralize?  Again according to the OWL at Purdue site,

To see if you need to make a possessive, turn the phrase around and make it an "of the..." phrase. For example:

the boy's hat = the hat of the boy
three days' journey = journey of three days

If the noun after "of" is a building, an object, or a piece of furniture, then no apostrophe is needed!

room of the hotel = hotel room
door of the car = car door
leg of the table = table leg

Singular possession.  Simple, really:  Just add an apostrophe+s at the end of the word and Bob's your uncle!

Possession when the word ends in 's'.  This is basically a style issue, so you can choose to either go the s' route or s's route.  Ex. "Judge Thomas' (or Thomas's) majority opinion was that ..."

Possession with group nouns.  This is generally straightforward with some logical exceptions.  Generally, it is done by adding an apostrophe at the end of a plural word.  [Example: "The doctors' lounge is dirty."]  If the plural  noun does not end in an s, then you just add apostrophe+s at the end of the word.  [For example, "The men's room is closed for maintenance."] I've seen it done both ways, too, and I do not think you will get too many demerits for doing it the s+apostrophe way in the latter case here.

Possession with more than one owner.  If you have a compound subject, such as "Sylvia and Dorothy" and you need to pluralize it, you use the same format of s+apostrophe to show plural possession, but you must place it after the last noun in the list.  [Example:  "Tim, Jane and Pauls' new puppy is cute."]  An exception is when possessive pronouns are used.  As these pronouns are typically placed at the last of the subject list, it can be a bit unclear to the readers if you are indicating a plural possessive.  Generally the individual nouns are shown as singular posessive to eliminate confusion:  "John and my car is new" is confusing; "John's and my car is new" is not.

Plural objects & multiple owners:  Where this gets really confusing.  Incorrect but common error:  "John, Susan and Peters' homes are all brand new."   This is incorrect-- unless they own the houses in common.  And even then you should write it differently as this construction is unclear and looks like a mistake!  So, when you are indicating more than one object is possessed, you will need to use separate possessives as in "John's, Susan's, and Peter's homes are all brand new."  Clear as mud?  I thought so.

Forming plurals using apostrophes.  This is more a style issue than grammatical.  Apostrophes are traditionally used for clarity when pluralizing lowercase letters, such as "mind your p's and q's."  Additionally, when there are acronyms used, an apostrophe can be used to show pluralization as well as for possession.  Some people write CD's, some cd's some CDs.  Check the style sheet or style manual you are working from for the particular standard being used by whomever you are writing for.

Common mistakes.
The big issue doesn't seem to be so much the improper use of apostrophes mistakenly when trying to pluralize so much as people randomly sprinkling apostrophes about on the page like salt on a dinner plate!  I believe that part of this problem is the common use of the apostrophe for certain plurals like CD's and so forth-- which appears to have confused a lot of people, who know that an s ending might mean an apostrophe is required, so, because they don't want to be wrong, they drop apostrophes in when there is a plural/word ending in an s or es, wipe their hands and walk away. 

So the big rule of thumb for those folks to use random appostrophes is for them to ask the big question, can they form an "of the" phrase from the words in question?  If not, avoid the apostrophe!

But, you know, people will still find ways to screw up their signage!

Other Grammar sites for your bemusement:
Grammar Girl
English Plus
Grammarbook.com
OWL At Purdue

Visual Aid

Sometimes, our eyes deceive us, and perception, which the observer may believe to be absolute, can be 1) biased, 2) partially incorrect, or 3) wholly wrong.  The above picture is not photoshopped.  What you see behind the car is not added in; but the first impression you do doubt came to, that missiles are following the pickup, about to strike, is incorrect.  Just click on the picture to see the inset enlarged.*

This funny picture reminds me that when we have characters who are unreliable narrators it behooves us as writers to show both their logic and to use subtle foreshadowing to also show the opportunity for misinterpretation of data on the character's part.  That way, when the reader sees the character was wrong s/he will have had the opportunity to wonder if this initial interpretation was flawed and look for more clues.

It's also fascinating when the character insists they don't feel a certain way and yet over and over the writer gives us internal dialog, decisions or statements that continually contradict the assertion that the character keeps making.  Such instances occur, much to my delight, in Ilona Andrews' latest Kate Daniels book, Magic Strikes.  What's also great is that she doesn't succumb to the temptation to have anyone around the main character, Kate, point out her contradictions.  Granted, 99% of these things are internal monologue; but her actions are some indicator as well.

So those are my thoughts.  How do you like to see characters lie to themselves?  How do you approach it as a writer?

*Those are balloons!

How to manage your credit rating, tips for handling junk mail & telemarketers, and do not call lists. (Long post warning!)

A friend sent me an email that both cracked me up and intrigued me.  Also, I figured it wouldn't hurt to share basic information on credit reports, your rights (as non-lawyer or bank officer me understands them) and where to go to find out more.  PLEASE FORWARD THIS ARTICLE TO EVERYONE YOU THINK CAN USE IT.  Just be aware this isn't the definitive list of info and that it's just a primer. 

Anyhow, according to the email:

Tips for handling telemarkers:
Three words that work!  Simply say, "Hold on, please," and set down the phone.  Saying this while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt.  Then when you hear the phone company's beep-beep-beep tone you know it's time to hang up the handset, which has completed its task.

Tips for 'dead silence' phone calls:
Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end?  This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when someone answers the phone.  This is used to determine the best time of day for a human sales person to call back and get someone at home.

What you can do after answering if no one is there is to immediately start hitting your # button six or seven time as fast as possible.  This should confuse the machine that dialed the call and it kicks your number out of the system. 

Tips for stopping junk mail:
When ads are enclosed with your bill, return the junk with your payments.  Let the senders throw their own junk away.

When you get preapproved letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to second mortgages or car warranty extension b.s., do not throw away the return envelope if it is post paid.  Instead, send back junk mail in them!  It costs them nothing if you throw the envelope away; but they pay by weight for the return postage, so stuff away.  And even if you return it empty, they still pay the base postal rate! (Just be certain you send nothing with your name or personal information on it.)

One of Andy Rooney's ideas (60 Minutes)* ideas is to send other people's junk mail to other junk mail initiators.  Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express in their post-paid return envelope.  Send a pizza coupon to Citibank.  If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them back their blank application!  [I'd remove identifying info so you don't open yourself up to identity theft. Also, I prefer to know my junk mail is being recycled, so I don't do this myself.]

The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of their own junk back in the mail, but folks, we need to overwhelm them.  Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it...twice!!

AND NOW FOR MY OWN THOUGHTS & STUFF

How to get off the junk mail lists:
(I got this information some while back, partly via a post office handout and partly from articles and news bits here and there.  I'm having to recreate it from scratch, so it's not as clear as it might be.)  Basically, though, you are entitled annually to a free credit card report from each of the three major credit reporting agencies.  My state (Maine) required it before the federal regs went in some years ago, so I've been doing this periodically for the last decade.  These reports can be confusing as hell to read, but can prove invaluable.  You may see accounts you didn't know you had, which is when warning bells should be going off and you should be calling that company to discover whether you just forgot about it and never closed it properly, they failed to close it properly, or you were a victim of identity theft.

The "do not call registry" can be found here. List your mobile or home phone/fax number to reduce bad calls. A quick search can net you a state-run "do not call" list, as well, for many states. 

Placing your numbers on those lists will not stop non-profits or political calls, though.  What I do for those callers is be polite yet firm and state that I have a policy of refusing to give money to groups who pester me via phone, and please to send me something via mail (whereupon you can return the empty envelope, or, if you don't want them bothering you you can return a written request for the same thing.)  And tell them that if they call you ever again you will never ever donate.  It has worked rather well for me, at least.

How to protect your credit rating from being pinged all the time:
You may not know this, but your credit can be affected (especially if it isn't really great in the first place) by how many times it has been pinged lately.  These "pings" (I don't know the industry term, sorry) can be mere looks at your credit so that entities can decide if they want to send you a pre-approved credit card application or other trawling maneuvers by credit card companies accomplished without your knowledge.  But a bank loan officer told me when I bought my first house in 2001 that I'd been pinged myriad times and it had dropped my rating significantly.  So I blocked my credit rating from being pinged unless I gave permission.  You do that by writing the credit agencies and stating in writing that you want to be blocked from unauthorized (by you) visits.  It also serves to reduce the junk mail!!!  (I found the info for the first time in a "Real Simple" magazine issue in 2001 or 2002, and can't find it at the moment, but basically, start with requesting your annual credit report here.

The main three are Equifax, Transunion and Experian.  You can request a printed version by phone or in writing at the following addresses, which I obtained by going on line to request the information.  (I vastly prefer the written one; let them pay for my report, they make enough money off me already!)  NOTE:  Experian's online version is by far the most informative by way of being the easiest to actually read and comprehend.  NOTE2: If you, like myself, are constantly calling to reduce the automatically-raised credit limits on your accounts, it can look suspicious to lenders.  I, however, prefer that to having 12k-15k out there, available for hijacking, on several cards!  NOTE3:  You may opt-out of pre-screened junk mail with the nationwide credit bureaus at 1 888 5OPTOUT (1 888 567 8688) (see below).

Equifax Information Services LLC (contact info page)
P.O. Box 105167
Atlanta, GA 30348
or call
1-877-SCORE-11

Experian (contact info page, including for opt-out of prescreened offers)
NCAC
P.O. Box 9556
Allen, TX 75013
800 493 1058

Transunion (contact info page, including for opt-out of prescreened offers)

Your credit rights (lifted from Experian's site):
The federal Fair Credit Reporting Act (FCRA) promotes the accuracy, fairness, and privacy of information in the files of consumer reporting agencies. There are many types of consumer reporting agencies, including credit bureaus and specialty agencies (such as agencies that sell information about check writing histories, medical records, and rental history records). Here is a summary of your major rights under the FCRA. For more information, including information about additional rights, go to www.ftc.gov/credit or write to: Consumer Response Center, Room 130-A, Federal Trade Commission, 600 Pennsylvania Ave. N.W., Washington, D.C. 20580.

• You must be told if information in your file has been used against you. Anyone who uses a credit report or another type of consumer report to deny your application for credit, insurance, or employment – or to take another adverse action against you – must tell you, and must give you the name, address, and phone number of the agency that provided the information.
• You have the right to know what is in your file. You may request and obtain all the information about you in the files of a consumer reporting agency (your "file disclosure"). You will be required to provide proper identification, which may include your Social Security number. In many cases, the disclosure will be free. You are entitled to a free file disclosure if:
  
  • a person has taken adverse action against you because of information in your credit report;
  • you are the victim of identify theft and place a fraud alert in your file;
  • your file contains inaccurate information as a result of fraud;
  • you are on public assistance;
  • you are unemployed but expect to apply for employment within 60 days.

  All consumers are entitled to one free disclosure every 12 months upon request from each nationwide credit bureau and from nationwide specialty consumer reporting agencies. See www.ftc.gov/credit for additional information.

• You have the right to ask for a credit score. Credit scores are numerical summaries of your credit-worthiness based on information from credit bureaus. You may request a credit score from consumer reporting agencies that create scores or distribute scores used in residential real property loans, but you will have to pay for it. In some mortgage transactions, you will receive credit score information for free from the mortgage lender.
• You have the right to dispute incomplete or inaccurate information. If you identify information in your file that is incomplete or inaccurate, and report it to the consumer reporting agency, the agency must investigate unless your dispute is frivolous. See www.ftc.gov/credit for an explanation of dispute procedures.
• Consumer reporting agencies must correct or delete inaccurate, incomplete, or unverifiable information. Inaccurate, incomplete or unverifiable information must be removed or corrected, usually within 30 days. However, a consumer reporting agency may continue to report information it has verified as accurate.
• Consumer reporting agencies may not report outdated negative information. In most cases, a consumer reporting agency may not report negative information that is more than seven years old, or bankruptcies that are more than 10 years old.
• Access to your file is limited. A consumer reporting agency may provide information about you only to people with a valid need -- usually to consider an application with a creditor, insurer, employer, landlord, or other business. The FCRA specifies those with a valid need for access.
• You must give your consent for reports to be provided to employers. A consumer reporting agency may not give out information about you to your employer, or a potential employer, without your written consent given to the employer. Written consent generally is not required in the trucking industry. For more information, go to www.ftc.gov/credit.
• You may limit "prescreened" offers of credit and insurance you get based on information in your credit report. Unsolicited "prescreened" offers for credit and insurance must include a toll-free phone number you can call if you choose to remove your name and address from the lists these offers are based on. You may opt-out with the nationwide credit bureaus at 1 888 5OPTOUT (1 888 567 8688).
• You may seek damages from violators. If a consumer reporting agency, or, in some cases, a user of consumer reports or a furnisher of information to a consumer reporting agency violates the FCRA, you may be able to sue in state or federal court.
• Identity theft victims and active duty military personnel have additional rights. For more information, visit www.ftc.gov/credit.

Opting out of marketing lists:
Equifax lists the following information on their site: 

The Direct Marketing Association also tracks consumers who prefer not to receive mail or telephone solicitations. DMA members, including Experian, remove those consumers from their own mailing lists. The addresses are:
Mail Preference Service
Direct Marketing Association
PO Box 1559
Carmel, NY 10512

Telephone Preference Service
Direct Marketing Association
PO Box 1559
Carmel, NY 10512

If you write the DMA, you’ll be removed from DMA-member lists for five years. Even though your request becomes effective with Experian within five days of your notifying us, it may take several months before you see a reduction in the amount of solicitations.

Opting out will not end solicitations from all local merchants, religious and charitable associations, professional and alumni associations, politicians, and companies with which you conduct business. To eliminate mail from these groups – as well as mail addressed to “occupant” or “resident” – write directly to each source.

MSNBC has a great article on fixing errors on your credit report here. 

*I haven't researched this claim, it was part of the email.  Sounds like something Mr. Rooney would say, though.

Belated Mother's Day Humor

On the home page for today's Musical Monday group, The Lonely Island, I found this hilarious Mother's Day offering.  Again not work safe despite the bleeps.  Once you watch it you will understand why.