Writtenwyrdd

It's Christmas Eve, so I thought you might need to de-stress a little

So go here and have a laugh at Santa's expense.  And have a Merry Christmas. 

Last minute Christmas shopping?

Have I got the deal for you!  Check this out:  A Spa-to-go, an inflatable spa!  Just what your loved ones always wanted, right?  

And they'll forgive you for being late with it, as it's so incredibly nifty. Sure.  Right.

Have a very nerdy Christmas

I give to you the Brett Domino Trio!

You really should check out some of their YouTube videos.  I first heard about them via John Scalzi's blog some while back.  And there's a rather interesting charm to Brett Domino.  After watching several of his videos, I begin to think he's milking the nerdiness, just a little...  But I still love their stuff in all its geeky splendor.

Best. Travel info. Evahr.

Every Australian I've ever met has had a wicked sense of humor.  I think this Q&A list is proof, as it's (purportedly) from an Australian Tourism web site and is (again, purportedly) actual answers to actual questions sent in by prospective visitors. (From a humorous email.)

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
A:Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________
Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________
Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )
A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe ...
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
__________________________________________________
Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is
Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________
Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________
Q:Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.  All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
__________________________________________________
Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA )
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.  You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________
Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________
Q:Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? (France ) 
A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

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By the way, if you are an American traveling abroad, you can register your trip with the Dept. of State.  At least then someone will know where you were supposed to be if you ever go missing or run into trouble (due to some untoward 'accident of fate' or 'being in the wrong place at the wrong time.'  Yeah.  But your country loves ya.  Really.)

Holiday...cheering?

"Why...is the phrase "Happy holidays" so insufferable to Christian fundamentalists, but not the vulgar, surfeiting exploitation of Christ's name to sell smokeless ashtrays, dessert toppings, Droid phones and trampolines? I'm not a theologian but I think the Gospels are pretty clear that Jesus was no fan of merchants."  LA Times article

The quoted article cracked me up.  Apparently, a faith-based group slammed The Gap for not using the word Christmas in its ad.  But they do!  Have you seen that "Christmas cheer" ad yet?  I snickered when I heard it the other day, and wondered what was up with that because the ad came across to me as a bird flip to someone or thing, but I had no idea what or why...  Here's the link to the ad.

"Go Christmas, go Hanukkah, go Kwanzaa, go solstice," chant dancers in a Gap ad, released days after the American Family Assn. called for a boycott over Gap's "failure to use the word 'Christmas.' " (Gap)

Thanks to Heather over at the I'm Not Hannah blog for the mention.

The Goat Nerd

I particularly love this one.  In fact, I want the tee shirt!

From Cute Overload:

Cool Site: how to write badly well

How to write badly well.  Found this one via a blog link (sorry, forget who) and I also find it hilarious.  The author, Joel Stickley, has some hilarious yet pointed means to do just what the blog's title suggests.  To whit:

1. Always use a thesaurus; 
2. Write thinly-veiled, self-aggrandising autobiographical fiction;
3. Describe every character in minute detail, taking no account of narrative pacing;
4. Use as many adjectives as you can;
5. Change sentence structure for the benefit of your rhyme scheme;
6. Create subplots which bear no relation to the main story; and
7. Begin yoru novel with the protagonist getting out fo bed and seeing that it is raining outside, which perfectly mirrors his life.

Good times, my friends.  I remember those writing sessions well.  In fact, I was just going through some of that old crap stuff this past weekend while organizing my office. 

Musical Monday wink and nod.

I could watch this again, and again, and again.  And I have. 

Cute Overload provides again.

(We're going to call this Musical Monday, because there IS a toot involved.)

If you can't ignore your Inner Critic, make fun of her!

An hilarious post on your inner editor at This Itch Of Writing blog by author Emma Darwin.  The author discusses how your inner critic's most obvious ploys (you suck! etc.) can be easily seen and thus ignored...but the Inner Critic plays dress up and stalks you with some pretty clever disguises...  Some of my favorites:

Inner Editor: “You don't know how this new bit should go, better to fiddle with Chapter One till you do.”
Inner Writing Tutor: “There's no point in moving on till you've got the first bit right.”
Inner Mentor: “No, you absolutely must finish this and revise it to the last inch: it's your Inner Critic who's insisting that the new idea is more promising.”
Inner Nosey Neighbour: “I don't know how you can write with the bathroom/kitchen/front lawn looking like that.” 
Inner Trainer: “Writer's bum, writer's bum, writer's bum.”
Inner Spouse: “I'm paying most of the bills, the least you can do is iron my shirts.”
Inner Sex God/dess: “Saying 'no' because you're finishing a chapter is the thin end of the wedge.”
Inner Counsellor: “Your husband/best friend/barmaid will be hurt if you don't go down to the pub.” 
Inner Agent: “It's awfully like the last one of yours/McEwan's/Keyes's”
Inner Reviewer: “Who cares about vulgar commercial fiction?”
Inner Supermarket: “Who reads poncey literary fiction?”
Inner Publisher: “Crossover fiction doesn't sell.”
Inner Literary Critic: “You can't be original: it's all been done before. And better.”

 

Schnozzle

Cute Overload strikes again.  This ought to be a postcard so I can send it to all of my friends and makethem smile:

Funny commercial

Funniest ad I've seen in a while.  KGB is a service you can text (for $.99 per call) and get answers to questions.  This seems to be filling the void for those needing instant gratification (or to win a bet) and who have no internet access at that moment.  Anyhow, check it out here.  It's short and laugh out loud funny.

'Ware Chthulu!

Thought you  might want to be aware of these Public Service Announcements (PSAs).  Keeping kids safe is something we all need to get behind, after all. 

I borrowed the PSA from the first linked site. 

Mmmm...tastes like bacon!

In closing, the only silver lining to this dark dark cloud is I have figured out why so many dogs lick their own assholes. They are trying to kill the taste of Beggin' Strips. (By the way, it doesn't work.)  from Steve, Don't Eat It! on The Sneeze blog

Brought to you by Pacatrue, whose recent post about trying everything in the grocery store and reporting on it got a reference link to the above.  (Seriously, Paca, I'm waiting for you to try everything and come up with an alternative use.  Think of it as preemptive post-doc research because you're bound to come up with some new 'linguistics' to describe the results!)

Don't tell me that won't work. I'm a director, damn it!

Thought I'd offer you a bit of amusement and insight this morning.  John Scalzi's weekly post at amctv.com's SciFi Scanner is about the epic fails of Star Wars design. 

Awesome cartoons!

Cute Overload features Simon Tofield's cat cartoons today, and there's a new one.  it's the one on top.  If you have ever experienced cohabitation with a feline type person, you will get this one.  Very funny!  (And I particularly love the 'chatter' when the cat sees the prey.)

"Never Buy Radiators From Genies"

I love that line! Now, as to where I heard it, you should check out a cool site, Suvudu, where you can both download free ebooks and read a number of interesting articles, including this one by Alan Campbell, where he discusses some of his personal slush, false starts and just bad ideas. I've had a couple of experiences like he describes where you open a file to see what you were thinking (because you don't recall writing that file at all) and seeing something that baffles you. Hence the post title.

But the free booty is a draw if you like free ebooks.  I prefer paying too much for old copies of the actual paperbacks, myself.  Nothing beats a book in hand...except two books.  Or five.  Or just more than you had before.  (Can you tell I like books?)

Awkwardness--another visual aid

They do say a picture is worth a thousand words.  Does this inspire you at all?  This moment of abject terror brought to you by Awkward Family Photos, a site that has many pictures that might inspire you with an idea, a scene, or give you something in the nature of a laugh.

Revisions...and foil helmets

 Seems revision thoughts are being telepathically beamed into our brains lately.  Not only did Nathan Bransford have a great post with a great checklist for revisions yesterday, but Blood Red Pencil's guest blogger, Alexandra Sokoloff, has a few relevant thoughts on that subject as well.  I particularly like the list of the various Acts and their components.  Might be useful for structuring a novel, hint hint...except when it isn't.

However, don't just go rushing off to edit, kids.  Don thy foil helmets* and pause to consider your own process instead of following some mythical Pied Piper off into the mythical land of million dollar advances and New York Times best seller lists.

And by that I mean, consider your own writing style and what you have learned about the craft of writing-- and keep weaving your own process in with these editing rules.  You have a style and voice (or are developing one) and you presumably have internalized much of the basics about writing.  So you are at the point where you are bending rules, or maybe experimenting a bit with structure.  If you follow the list Ms. Sokoloff provides for structuring your story, it might not work to tell the story you envision.  Not that I'm saying chuck these rules/suggestions out the window.  Not all of us can be a James Joyce who writes idiosyncratic books like Ulysses without punctuation for massive sections (and all the other wackiness that frankly makes me find the book unreadable) and still be called a brilliant writer; and not many of us would want to write that sort of book.  But we can all be ourselves while we communicate our stories to others. 

So amidst all the lists of things to think about, and Rules that Must Be Obeyed (unless they aren't), don't forget to be yourself.  It's what will sell your novel in the end, you know.

 

*See, this guy is a free thinker. And a fashion plate. (Picture from Wikipedia)

Gaily prancing...zebracorns!!!

Courtesy of Jaye Wells' response in this League of Reluctant Adults post (these guys are silly and a Cool Site to follow, in case I haven't mentioned them lately) I bring you a fond or not-so-fond memory of Times Gone By. And the funniest damn review on Amazon I've seen lately. Prancing. *Snort* (Pun intended.) HINT:  Look at the second review down.

Holy Zebracorns, Batman!

PS just got the edits for my story.  Amazing how much was left intact.  I have to adjust the beginning now, though.

Visual aids again...or not!

Perhaps you recall my caption contest from a while back?  You don't?  Well here's a visual aid:

And I bring this ass-inine topic up not to once again prove my tacky tasteless sense of humor, but as an introduction to a whole line up of tattoo disasters at my new favorite time waster, Tattoo Disasters!  (Thank goodness it's not that long yet.)

The apostrophe

After finding the blog Apostrophe Abuse, I am (forcibly) reminded about how frequently one sees misplaced or omitted apostrophes--particularly signage, but all over the place, really.

You might also appreciate this run-down on the usage of apostrophes at Ballywick, another cool site regarding copywriting.  Her 12-step program to stop killing the apostrophe is worth a chuckle.

The rules.
U.S. rules for apostrophe use are quite simple, really.  I don't get why people have so much trouble with the concept.  Basically, you use an apostrophe to replace a missing part of a word (always a vowel) during a contraction, or you indicate ownership.  (And, as a note of minor significance, an apostrophe can also indicate a 'glottal stop' in certain languages when written in English--for example, Hawaiian.  And in many, many (too many) fantasy novels from the 80s and 90s, lol.)

OWL at Purdue states

The apostrophe has three uses:

1. to form possessives of nouns
2. to show the omission of letters
3. to indicate certain plurals of lowercase letters

Contractions.  An excellent list is here.  Just be sure to remember the big ol' bugaboo, the exception that proves the rule:  its.  The possessive of "it" is "its," no apostrophe; because "it's" is the contraction "it is."

Possession.
First off, what is a plural?  And, second, do you need to pluralize?  Again according to the OWL at Purdue site,

To see if you need to make a possessive, turn the phrase around and make it an "of the..." phrase. For example:

the boy's hat = the hat of the boy
three days' journey = journey of three days

If the noun after "of" is a building, an object, or a piece of furniture, then no apostrophe is needed!

room of the hotel = hotel room
door of the car = car door
leg of the table = table leg

Singular possession.  Simple, really:  Just add an apostrophe+s at the end of the word and Bob's your uncle!

Possession when the word ends in 's'.  This is basically a style issue, so you can choose to either go the s' route or s's route.  Ex. "Judge Thomas' (or Thomas's) majority opinion was that ..."

Possession with group nouns.  This is generally straightforward with some logical exceptions.  Generally, it is done by adding an apostrophe at the end of a plural word.  [Example: "The doctors' lounge is dirty."]  If the plural  noun does not end in an s, then you just add apostrophe+s at the end of the word.  [For example, "The men's room is closed for maintenance."] I've seen it done both ways, too, and I do not think you will get too many demerits for doing it the s+apostrophe way in the latter case here.

Possession with more than one owner.  If you have a compound subject, such as "Sylvia and Dorothy" and you need to pluralize it, you use the same format of s+apostrophe to show plural possession, but you must place it after the last noun in the list.  [Example:  "Tim, Jane and Pauls' new puppy is cute."]  An exception is when possessive pronouns are used.  As these pronouns are typically placed at the last of the subject list, it can be a bit unclear to the readers if you are indicating a plural possessive.  Generally the individual nouns are shown as singular posessive to eliminate confusion:  "John and my car is new" is confusing; "John's and my car is new" is not.

Plural objects & multiple owners:  Where this gets really confusing.  Incorrect but common error:  "John, Susan and Peters' homes are all brand new."   This is incorrect-- unless they own the houses in common.  And even then you should write it differently as this construction is unclear and looks like a mistake!  So, when you are indicating more than one object is possessed, you will need to use separate possessives as in "John's, Susan's, and Peter's homes are all brand new."  Clear as mud?  I thought so.

Forming plurals using apostrophes.  This is more a style issue than grammatical.  Apostrophes are traditionally used for clarity when pluralizing lowercase letters, such as "mind your p's and q's."  Additionally, when there are acronyms used, an apostrophe can be used to show pluralization as well as for possession.  Some people write CD's, some cd's some CDs.  Check the style sheet or style manual you are working from for the particular standard being used by whomever you are writing for.

Common mistakes.
The big issue doesn't seem to be so much the improper use of apostrophes mistakenly when trying to pluralize so much as people randomly sprinkling apostrophes about on the page like salt on a dinner plate!  I believe that part of this problem is the common use of the apostrophe for certain plurals like CD's and so forth-- which appears to have confused a lot of people, who know that an s ending might mean an apostrophe is required, so, because they don't want to be wrong, they drop apostrophes in when there is a plural/word ending in an s or es, wipe their hands and walk away. 

So the big rule of thumb for those folks to use random appostrophes is for them to ask the big question, can they form an "of the" phrase from the words in question?  If not, avoid the apostrophe!

But, you know, people will still find ways to screw up their signage!

Other Grammar sites for your bemusement:
Grammar Girl
English Plus
Grammarbook.com
OWL At Purdue

Visual Aid

Sometimes, our eyes deceive us, and perception, which the observer may believe to be absolute, can be 1) biased, 2) partially incorrect, or 3) wholly wrong.  The above picture is not photoshopped.  What you see behind the car is not added in; but the first impression you do doubt came to, that missiles are following the pickup, about to strike, is incorrect.  Just click on the picture to see the inset enlarged.*

This funny picture reminds me that when we have characters who are unreliable narrators it behooves us as writers to show both their logic and to use subtle foreshadowing to also show the opportunity for misinterpretation of data on the character's part.  That way, when the reader sees the character was wrong s/he will have had the opportunity to wonder if this initial interpretation was flawed and look for more clues.

It's also fascinating when the character insists they don't feel a certain way and yet over and over the writer gives us internal dialog, decisions or statements that continually contradict the assertion that the character keeps making.  Such instances occur, much to my delight, in Ilona Andrews' latest Kate Daniels book, Magic Strikes.  What's also great is that she doesn't succumb to the temptation to have anyone around the main character, Kate, point out her contradictions.  Granted, 99% of these things are internal monologue; but her actions are some indicator as well.

So those are my thoughts.  How do you like to see characters lie to themselves?  How do you approach it as a writer?

*Those are balloons!

How to manage your credit rating, tips for handling junk mail & telemarketers, and do not call lists. (Long post warning!)

A friend sent me an email that both cracked me up and intrigued me.  Also, I figured it wouldn't hurt to share basic information on credit reports, your rights (as non-lawyer or bank officer me understands them) and where to go to find out more.  PLEASE FORWARD THIS ARTICLE TO EVERYONE YOU THINK CAN USE IT.  Just be aware this isn't the definitive list of info and that it's just a primer. 

Anyhow, according to the email:

Tips for handling telemarkers:
Three words that work!  Simply say, "Hold on, please," and set down the phone.  Saying this while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt.  Then when you hear the phone company's beep-beep-beep tone you know it's time to hang up the handset, which has completed its task.

Tips for 'dead silence' phone calls:
Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end?  This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when someone answers the phone.  This is used to determine the best time of day for a human sales person to call back and get someone at home.

What you can do after answering if no one is there is to immediately start hitting your # button six or seven time as fast as possible.  This should confuse the machine that dialed the call and it kicks your number out of the system. 

Tips for stopping junk mail:
When ads are enclosed with your bill, return the junk with your payments.  Let the senders throw their own junk away.

When you get preapproved letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to second mortgages or car warranty extension b.s., do not throw away the return envelope if it is post paid.  Instead, send back junk mail in them!  It costs them nothing if you throw the envelope away; but they pay by weight for the return postage, so stuff away.  And even if you return it empty, they still pay the base postal rate! (Just be certain you send nothing with your name or personal information on it.)

One of Andy Rooney's ideas (60 Minutes)* ideas is to send other people's junk mail to other junk mail initiators.  Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express in their post-paid return envelope.  Send a pizza coupon to Citibank.  If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them back their blank application!  [I'd remove identifying info so you don't open yourself up to identity theft. Also, I prefer to know my junk mail is being recycled, so I don't do this myself.]

The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of their own junk back in the mail, but folks, we need to overwhelm them.  Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it...twice!!

AND NOW FOR MY OWN THOUGHTS & STUFF

How to get off the junk mail lists:
(I got this information some while back, partly via a post office handout and partly from articles and news bits here and there.  I'm having to recreate it from scratch, so it's not as clear as it might be.)  Basically, though, you are entitled annually to a free credit card report from each of the three major credit reporting agencies.  My state (Maine) required it before the federal regs went in some years ago, so I've been doing this periodically for the last decade.  These reports can be confusing as hell to read, but can prove invaluable.  You may see accounts you didn't know you had, which is when warning bells should be going off and you should be calling that company to discover whether you just forgot about it and never closed it properly, they failed to close it properly, or you were a victim of identity theft.

The "do not call registry" can be found here. List your mobile or home phone/fax number to reduce bad calls. A quick search can net you a state-run "do not call" list, as well, for many states. 

Placing your numbers on those lists will not stop non-profits or political calls, though.  What I do for those callers is be polite yet firm and state that I have a policy of refusing to give money to groups who pester me via phone, and please to send me something via mail (whereupon you can return the empty envelope, or, if you don't want them bothering you you can return a written request for the same thing.)  And tell them that if they call you ever again you will never ever donate.  It has worked rather well for me, at least.

How to protect your credit rating from being pinged all the time:
You may not know this, but your credit can be affected (especially if it isn't really great in the first place) by how many times it has been pinged lately.  These "pings" (I don't know the industry term, sorry) can be mere looks at your credit so that entities can decide if they want to send you a pre-approved credit card application or other trawling maneuvers by credit card companies accomplished without your knowledge.  But a bank loan officer told me when I bought my first house in 2001 that I'd been pinged myriad times and it had dropped my rating significantly.  So I blocked my credit rating from being pinged unless I gave permission.  You do that by writing the credit agencies and stating in writing that you want to be blocked from unauthorized (by you) visits.  It also serves to reduce the junk mail!!!  (I found the info for the first time in a "Real Simple" magazine issue in 2001 or 2002, and can't find it at the moment, but basically, start with requesting your annual credit report here.

The main three are Equifax, Transunion and Experian.  You can request a printed version by phone or in writing at the following addresses, which I obtained by going on line to request the information.  (I vastly prefer the written one; let them pay for my report, they make enough money off me already!)  NOTE:  Experian's online version is by far the most informative by way of being the easiest to actually read and comprehend.  NOTE2: If you, like myself, are constantly calling to reduce the automatically-raised credit limits on your accounts, it can look suspicious to lenders.  I, however, prefer that to having 12k-15k out there, available for hijacking, on several cards!  NOTE3:  You may opt-out of pre-screened junk mail with the nationwide credit bureaus at 1 888 5OPTOUT (1 888 567 8688) (see below).

Equifax Information Services LLC (contact info page)
P.O. Box 105167
Atlanta, GA 30348
or call
1-877-SCORE-11

Experian (contact info page, including for opt-out of prescreened offers)
NCAC
P.O. Box 9556
Allen, TX 75013
800 493 1058

Transunion (contact info page, including for opt-out of prescreened offers)

Your credit rights (lifted from Experian's site):
The federal Fair Credit Reporting Act (FCRA) promotes the accuracy, fairness, and privacy of information in the files of consumer reporting agencies. There are many types of consumer reporting agencies, including credit bureaus and specialty agencies (such as agencies that sell information about check writing histories, medical records, and rental history records). Here is a summary of your major rights under the FCRA. For more information, including information about additional rights, go to www.ftc.gov/credit or write to: Consumer Response Center, Room 130-A, Federal Trade Commission, 600 Pennsylvania Ave. N.W., Washington, D.C. 20580.

• You must be told if information in your file has been used against you. Anyone who uses a credit report or another type of consumer report to deny your application for credit, insurance, or employment – or to take another adverse action against you – must tell you, and must give you the name, address, and phone number of the agency that provided the information.
• You have the right to know what is in your file. You may request and obtain all the information about you in the files of a consumer reporting agency (your "file disclosure"). You will be required to provide proper identification, which may include your Social Security number. In many cases, the disclosure will be free. You are entitled to a free file disclosure if:
  
  • a person has taken adverse action against you because of information in your credit report;
  • you are the victim of identify theft and place a fraud alert in your file;
  • your file contains inaccurate information as a result of fraud;
  • you are on public assistance;
  • you are unemployed but expect to apply for employment within 60 days.

  All consumers are entitled to one free disclosure every 12 months upon request from each nationwide credit bureau and from nationwide specialty consumer reporting agencies. See www.ftc.gov/credit for additional information.

• You have the right to ask for a credit score. Credit scores are numerical summaries of your credit-worthiness based on information from credit bureaus. You may request a credit score from consumer reporting agencies that create scores or distribute scores used in residential real property loans, but you will have to pay for it. In some mortgage transactions, you will receive credit score information for free from the mortgage lender.
• You have the right to dispute incomplete or inaccurate information. If you identify information in your file that is incomplete or inaccurate, and report it to the consumer reporting agency, the agency must investigate unless your dispute is frivolous. See www.ftc.gov/credit for an explanation of dispute procedures.
• Consumer reporting agencies must correct or delete inaccurate, incomplete, or unverifiable information. Inaccurate, incomplete or unverifiable information must be removed or corrected, usually within 30 days. However, a consumer reporting agency may continue to report information it has verified as accurate.
• Consumer reporting agencies may not report outdated negative information. In most cases, a consumer reporting agency may not report negative information that is more than seven years old, or bankruptcies that are more than 10 years old.
• Access to your file is limited. A consumer reporting agency may provide information about you only to people with a valid need -- usually to consider an application with a creditor, insurer, employer, landlord, or other business. The FCRA specifies those with a valid need for access.
• You must give your consent for reports to be provided to employers. A consumer reporting agency may not give out information about you to your employer, or a potential employer, without your written consent given to the employer. Written consent generally is not required in the trucking industry. For more information, go to www.ftc.gov/credit.
• You may limit "prescreened" offers of credit and insurance you get based on information in your credit report. Unsolicited "prescreened" offers for credit and insurance must include a toll-free phone number you can call if you choose to remove your name and address from the lists these offers are based on. You may opt-out with the nationwide credit bureaus at 1 888 5OPTOUT (1 888 567 8688).
• You may seek damages from violators. If a consumer reporting agency, or, in some cases, a user of consumer reports or a furnisher of information to a consumer reporting agency violates the FCRA, you may be able to sue in state or federal court.
• Identity theft victims and active duty military personnel have additional rights. For more information, visit www.ftc.gov/credit.

Opting out of marketing lists:
Equifax lists the following information on their site: 

The Direct Marketing Association also tracks consumers who prefer not to receive mail or telephone solicitations. DMA members, including Experian, remove those consumers from their own mailing lists. The addresses are:
Mail Preference Service
Direct Marketing Association
PO Box 1559
Carmel, NY 10512

Telephone Preference Service
Direct Marketing Association
PO Box 1559
Carmel, NY 10512

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Opting out will not end solicitations from all local merchants, religious and charitable associations, professional and alumni associations, politicians, and companies with which you conduct business. To eliminate mail from these groups – as well as mail addressed to “occupant” or “resident” – write directly to each source.

MSNBC has a great article on fixing errors on your credit report here. 

*I haven't researched this claim, it was part of the email.  Sounds like something Mr. Rooney would say, though.

Belated Mother's Day Humor

On the home page for today's Musical Monday group, The Lonely Island, I found this hilarious Mother's Day offering.  Again not work safe despite the bleeps.  Once you watch it you will understand why.

Epic Fail, anyone?

 

Found a new amusing way to avoid writing: Epic Fail. Found via comment trail on Evil Editor's blog, it has kept me amused and not writing for a couple hours. I gathered it's an internet meme, so I looked it up at wiki with the result that I now know that Epic Fail is an ouroborous, a recursive definition because it seems to define it self. You ask, What is Epic Fail? And the answer is Epic Failure pointing to itself. Or something like that. The ultimate in joke, if you will.

 

The Internet Patrol defines Epic Fail thusly:

 In its purest form, epic fail means a catastrophic failure. Not just any failure - not just an “oopsy” - but a full stop, game over failure.

Like the Challenger exploding.  Or the Exxon Valdez.  Or Charles marrying Camilla.

But here is where it gets fuzzy. Because some people use the term “epic fail” to mean a failure that by its very show-stopping spectacularly failing nature comes full circle and actually “wins”.

Still others, perhaps those namby-pamby shrinking violet types, use it to mean something somewhat short of a spectacular failure, because they don’t have the cajones to actually come out and say “hey, you suck”, so they instead brand someone or something with “epic fail”. Or maybe they just haven’t (yet) experienced a full and complete failure, and so have nothing against which to benchmark for an epic fail.

 

Wikipedia has this to say:

"Fail" is the name of a popular Internet meme where users superimpose the word "fail" or "epic fail" onto embarrassing, ironic, or compromising photos or short videos. The meme is widely believed to come have from the arcade game Blazing Star. If you lose, the message "You fail it! Your skill is not enough! See you next time! Bye bye!" is shown.

 

The term "miserable failure" has also been popularized as a result of a widely known "Google bombing", which caused Google searches for the term to turn up the White House biography of George W. Bush.

 

Amusing, perplexing, and coming to a blog post near you.

 

 

Hampster Dance!!!!!

Come on now, sing along!  This one's for Aerin and Kiersten and everybody else with small children likely to replay the thing over, and over, and over, and over...

If I only could listen along, too.  But my sound card has just fried on the laptop!  Oh noes!!

Have a little fun when you brainstorm

From a humorous email:

The Funniest Staff Meeting Ever!

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.

The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.
About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
9.  Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.
8.  Viagra, like a rock !
7.  Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6.  Viagra , Be all that you can be.
5.  Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4.  Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3.  Viagra, Home of the whopper!
2.  Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1.  This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs.

And the lesson?  Ideas and humor go together.  Have fun when you are coming up with ideas. 

NOTE: This accidentally got posted with the wrong date.  So I'm fixing it now.  Shalom.

Plot summaries

Can you summarize your plot?  What is your elevator pitch?  I sure hope it is not boiled down to something like these, which are funny, but not a great pitch.  Enjoy.

(This link was all over Twitter. I don't know how to retweet so you get it on the blahg.)

Visual aid: genre

Thought you might like a visual aid.  This is more geared toward movies, but I figure you can get some mileage from it.  I give you Don Hertzfeldt's Genre:

And more of his shorts can be found here.  (God I love You Tube!  Such a glorious wasting of bandwidth!)

Vampire Lolcat

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

Word play from xkdc

 

This is what is fondly termed as a mind fuck, courtesy of xkdc.com webcomics.  I suggest we do not do this to our readers, lol. 

Readers hate feeling the butt of authorial jokes.  (And it's the reason I tend to loathe pun endings.)   Don't be like that with readers, all esoteric and high falutin'...because they'll hunt you down and kill you...

Brilliant energy saver

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=370177684107&_trksid=p2759.l1259

"Vito watched as Robert squirmed in his life vest while the Great White brushed against his chum-soaked and shackled body, but it wasn't until the terrible fish circled back, finally ending Robert's evening, that Vito, with the vision of the legless torso undulating up and down in the Farallon current had his epiphany, and uncovered one of life's truly great mysteries: when you shorten Robert you really do get bob."  Paul Olsen, San Jose, California

The results came in for the Edgar Bulwer-Lytton contest for 2008.  I should have linked to them sooner.  Some of these entries, which are supposed to contend for worst first line of a novel a la the "It was a dark and stormy night..." bit by Mr. Lytton, are actually very good.  Some are examples of how not to start a novel; but they are all of them funny.  My favorite is above.  It's only an also ran; but that just goes to show that taste will vary.  (I imagine the shark thought so, too.)

And, for some reason, many of these reminded me of Whirlochre's flights of fancy.

Despite current economic woes, laughter is possible

An amusing site, msnbc.com's Ads of the Weird.  Go ahead, make your day.  In particular, this Jet Blue ad.  Seriously, check it out.

Eat your veggies???

1001 Things NOT to do before you die

A hilarious site, which I can thank Brother Bob for bringing to my attention via a slam on my state of residence. 

It's pretty sarcastic and even sometimes quite rude.  But I guarantee you'll laugh at a lot of it.  Browse away, peeps!

Wha huh?

This earns my vote for the oddest comment trail I can recall...

Man Rules

From a humorous email going around:

Now here are the rules from the male side.   

These are our rules!
Please note.. These are all numbered "1 " ON PURPOSE! 

1.  Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.  You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.  We need it up, you need it down.  You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports: It's like the full moon Or the changing of the tides.  Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.  Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.  In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.  Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.  Not both.  If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.  Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.  We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape.  Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.  Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Ah, sweet remembrance...not

From an email my friend Ken in Oregon sent me.  I haven't vetted this via Snopes.com yet, although I suspect it IS an urban legend.  But it's funny.  So I share.

 

Ben & Jerry's created Cherry Garcia ice cream flavor with Jerry Garcia in mind, and "Yes Pecan!" ice cream flavor for Barack Obama. Customers were then asked to fill in the blank to the following:

For George W., Ben & Jerry's created
"_________".

Here are (supposedly) some of their favorite responses:

- Grape Depression
- Abu Grape
- Cluster Fudge
- Nut'n Accomplished
- Iraqi Road
- Chock 'n Awe
- WireTapioca
- Impeach Cobbler
- Guantanmallow
- imPeachmint
- Good Riddance You Lousy M********** Swirl
- Heck of a Job, Brownie!
- Neocon Politan
- RockyRoad to Fascism
- The Reese's-cession
- Cookie D'oh!
- The Housing Crunch
- Nougalar Proliferation
- Death by Chocolate... and Torture
- Credit Crunch
- Country Pumpkin
- Chunky Monkey in Chief
- George Bush Doesn't Care About Dark Chocolate
- WM Delicious
- Chocolate Chimp
- Bloody Sundae
- Caramel Preemptive Stripe
- I broke the law and am responsible for the deaths of thousands ... with nuts

Potty mouthed but cool site

If you like Cute Overload, you might like this site.  Mostly because it's not Cute Overload.  (Trust me.  You have to see it to understand.) 

Musical Monday segues into web shows

I'm really not here posting this.  Like the next 2 weeks, I am auto posting with occasional drop ins to read comments and favorite bloggers' haunts.  My living room and bath floor are being redone, I'm painting, I guarantee my back hurts, and I'll be moving in a week.  Whew! 

At any rate, I wanted to introduce you to American Heart, which Zombie Reporting Center gives the thumbs up to.  Brains!  Braaaaains!!!  I know it's not a music video, but I really think the moaning and wailing of zombies sort of counts.  Sure. 

Undead carols...

You need to check out Gutterball's undead Christmas carols.  Hilarious, and they scan perfectly. 

More holiday shopping hints

I'm only thinking of you guys now, helping you find the PERFECT holiday gift for your fellow spec fic fanatic.  If you  your significant other likes horror, this depicted (and decapitated) item is for you.  (I mean, who wouldn't want a pull-apart zombie doll?  It's like that 70s monkey puzzle bread we used to make from pop-n-fresh rolls rolled in brown sugar cinnamon and then smooshed together in a bundt pan to bake...Crap, now I'm hungry.   Anyhow, ThinkGeek.com has a multitude of other weird gift opportunities, too. 

Oh, and they provided a graphic video illustration of why we NEED practice dismembering zombies.

Holiday shopping assistance!

ThinkGeek.com has provided me so many amusing moments of wishful internet browsing for humorous gifts for the sff oriented set. 

Slightly less spec fic but geeky indeed are the LOL Magnets.  I almost want them.  Must. Say. No.

Whew!  I overcame the impulse.  Barely.

Defacin ur languidge

more animals

Much as I can be amused by the lolcat scene, itsn't it a bit annoying to have to decipher some of the stuff on I Can Haz Cheezburger?  Basically, text message speak. 

It's current, it's now, it's deplorable--and I'm become the old fuddy duddy for saying so.

Language moves like a sluggish river, pickin up and dropping off bits and pieces of itself as it wends through the matrix of the social landscape.

Lolcat speak reminds me, though, of smeerps, which are gratuitous renaming of things, defined in the Turkey City Lexicon as a "cheap technique for false exoticism, in which common elements of the real world are re-named for a fantastic milieu without any real alteration in their basic nature or behavior. "Smeerps" are especially common in fantasy worlds, where people often ride exotic steeds that look and act just like horses." 

Sometimes, in speculative fiction, renaming common things in the present day is actually a smart bit of worldbuilding and, while it meets the definition of smeerp, isn't actually.  For example, common drinks such as coffee and tea.  Even in present day languages, there are a number of remarkably similar terms for the same things throughout the world.  So why wouldn't you have coffee on other worlds in some future coffee shop called kaffe, caf, brew, koffay, etc.?  It makes sense linguistically for words to morph over time.

Likewise, it makes sense that language will morph in terms of structure, pronunciation and spelling even.  Lolcat speak might be the precursor of our great grandchildren's version of English. 

Cool site: The Market List & gratuitous pr0n

Another site for finding markets for your lovely prose:  The Market List.  Also, note the lovely links to a number of professional sales markets.  The links are just a bonus that came with a quick google for "high fantasy".

Other 'bonus' content:  Kangaroos, the cute and the misbehavin'.  Also, Cute Overload's entry for today has PacMan cookies which references the oddest concept I've heard in a while: Gastrosexual.  Wokka wokka wokka!

Sometimes sick is funny

  Horrible License Plates just got started, but you can see it might grow, just like Cake Wrecks did.

Vows of a successful Evil Overlord

If you haven't seen or read them in a while, visit Evil Overlord's spot and read the list of things he'd do as a smart Evil Overlord.  Picks up on all the smarmy cliches that pulp and B movies have been fraught with over the years.  Oh, and then there's Teresa Nielsen Hayden's take on Evil Overlordism here (and in the sidebar).

Word humor, and just because it's funny

Go here and read Mom In Scrub's post.  Hysterical.  PONYETR and other oddities.

Getting appropriately political

I have found our future leader.  Seriously.  This guy will straighten us all out so we know exactly where we stand.  (Isn't that Reagan's neck in that first photo?)